My dad had an extremely rough life. He grew up with a single parent, working when he was in his teens to support a household, and he's been shit on most of his life but he's also had wonderful opportunities and made a life for him and my mom and I. I'm grateful, but ungrateful to his ways of parenting. I've always been sheltered, and he now says I'm spoiled. Well guess what, dipshit, that would be your fault if what you say is true. I'm trying to break free and that burns his ass proper. He says I just want to move out so I can do whatever I want , etc. and then affirms that I will always answer to somebody for shit. While yeah, it's partially true, but I hate living with him, I need more room, I hate living in my house I've lived in for 11 years, I need to escape the constant bitching about this, that, and the other. It never ends. He has every right to complain and whatnot, do what he does, but he doesn't care about how that impacts on me, writing it off like "that's how life is, grow up."
But now, all I hear is that I don't do shit, I don't want to do shit, I'm spoiled, I think I'm entitled to a car, etc. etc. which is only skimming the top off. I have different religious beliefs and different attitudes towards life from my dad and oh, the man who lives by the word of god admits he's not blameless and makes mistakes, but isn't afraid to capitalize on mine with the default "I do this because I love you" bullshit to make me think "yes, I should stay under his thumb. I shouldn't want to leave my dysfunctional family. I shouldn't want to separate myself from someone who bitches everyday and takes so many prescriptions to have some kind of quality of life, who's top concern is how our house is always 'filthy, as if n****** live here [my dad is a racist]' and how I don't 'wash a plate or help around the house'." Like regardless of what I do or how I feel, he invalidates me, then we argue, and then he tells me he sees my point and that's he's been there but believes I'm going towards the wrong path. In everything. For wanting to pursue art, for wanting to move out, for smoking, for not being a CHristian.
First off, I am entitled to a fucking car. If parents are supposed to help their kids out of the nest or anything, one thing in this day and age is that the kids need a car so daddy doesn't have to drive around. I asked for one initially while in my last year of high school. I wanted to do dual enrollment. Didn't happen. I was shot down. For the next 3 years I was always told I didn't need a car. I didn't need the expense. I didn't ___ or ___ and now it's "I'm too immature for a car." Well, okay. Have fun with the inconvenience of driving me to work and school and anywhere I need to go lest you hear stories of how perverts were trying to get in my face on the bus or pick me up at stops (who wouldn't want that for their little girl?). I have another interview after work on Monday and one before but he's like "I'm going to treat you how you treat me: Let me see if it inconveniences me!" No. My dad saved up $20,000 for a car for me. He fucked up with the wrong people at the wrong time and got his ass jailed. Then the stupid-crazy amount of $20,000 went to lawyers, bills, etc so we would have a house and some security as he lost his job and dealt with the lawsuit. I never needed a $20k something. I need a vehicle that works but no. NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH TO HIM so I have to patiently wait for it. He does provide a lot for me, and he does help, but 7/10 times he's throwing it in my face what he does and I'm pretty sure he thinks I don't deserve shit since "I smoke hash@!!!1!!"
Then, I can't really go 20 mi south and 20 mi north of me for work without a car. But whatever I do in my house goes unnoticed but holy shit--he'll turn around and tell my mom who doesn't live with us that I'm helping and he's proud of me (not anymore since he found out I smoke). My fucking mother is a two-faced nincompoop who runs to me every time she learns I've gone out somewhere like "go home, trust me, jsut go home. fix your relationship with your dad, be nice. help him out. just trust me, don stay out late" and i'm like wtf to learn my dad never complained how i went out, he just mentioned it. i'm tired of both of their bullshit.
like how am i expected to live in these games with a smile on my face? why is it wrong that i want to leave? my mom gives me a fucking sob story and cries her heart out whenever i mention leaving. i'm almost set to move. i'm getting a better paying job and plan on living reasonably within my budget. i'm so used to staying in my room at my computer since that's all i knew growing up and my dad bitches about that too. he worked nights all the time so i never really saw him. im used to being alone but i hate it and my parents dont make me feel comfortable to hang out with. i love them but come on.
i refuse to believe i'm what he says. i am a little lazy, yes. unmotivated. but i do do stuff. i do deserve a means of transportation and every time i bring up "hey this car is like $5500 and you could talk him down to $3600 maybe" it's always "THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE I KNOW SHIT WILL FAIL YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL" in so many words. like i never was granted their blessing to have an apartment while away at uni because they feared i'd run to them like mommy dadddy my roommates dont have money! help! because everyone they know has a fucking worst case scenario and i'm guaranteed to fail, according to their vicarious living.
i need help, advice, anything. i dont know what to do. they try to make me believe it's unreasonable to want things anymore. not little things, but life changing things. im scared and dont know what to do i want to just dip but i have no where to go. we're fucking fighting and he tries to be my friend right after because he knows he's running me off with irrational bullshit and thats not fair. that's a game. i'm a fucking scapegoat and he denies this. i'm so lost.
Just when I thought things were going to go my way it all blows up in my face like always.
